i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
