Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
