My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
