Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
