if you like me you must not know who I am
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
