I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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