Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
