Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
