i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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