Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She told me I should be a condom model.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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