Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
