I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
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