carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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