you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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