If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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