Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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