I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
