We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
