note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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