i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
