fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
