May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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