I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
