Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
