Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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