when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
