my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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