Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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