Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
