On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
