Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
