dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
