I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
and you fell through a lawn chair
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
