it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
