God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
