my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
