Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
