is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
