he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
