Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
