I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
