it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
