so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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