his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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