He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
