did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Are my feet made of real feet?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
