see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
