Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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