yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
