just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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