all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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