dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Randomize
